Friendships are hard for me. I tend to speak my mind and I like to produce some mild drama. (I try to be aware of it.) However, I think that that my turn some people off. I have a hard time nurturing close friendships. I had such a friend in high school. Or maybe I thought I did. This friend loves to be a part of a large group of friend. Not exactly my scene, but I played along.
It just dawned on me this weekend that I am on her D-list of friends. I have been fooling myself for the past 13 years or so, since I was pregnant with my first child. She had a hard time with that. It was what she wanted so much in the world and she did not have it, so she pulled away. Ok, I dealt with that. She developed a new, deep friendship to someone I introduced her too, Ok, I could deal with that. She became engaged. Cool I thought. Maybe we can do some activities as couples. So I invite her and her new man to my house for cards. She felt sorry for the third friend and invited her along. She wanted to spare S. feeling and yet she crushed mine. This was the one incident I have not been able to get over. It’s been probably 5 years. But this weekend, she and S. were so close to my house for another event that they could have spit on it. I was home, but they “did not have time” to stop by and say hi. Once again I allow myself to be hurt.
I have decided that I am no longer willing to allow her actions to hurt me. If I no longer have high expectations, I will no longer have my feelings crushed. I do not plan to cut the friendship off, but I will not initiate contact anytime soon. It’s sad, but I actually feel better. Time to go off and see about meeting new people.